How A Flexible Mindset Supports Parents

What Is Mindset?

What do you think of when you consider “mindset”? Could it be an attitude or perspective? A lens we look through as we move through the world?

Mindset can be anything from a world-view or opinion that we have about how things work, to a perception about ourselves. It might be shaped by culture, religion, or experience.

Fixed, Flexible or Both?

Oftentimes, mindset is fixed. We might see ourselves as smart or funny, while others might be generally good or mostly selfish. And in our minds, that might be just “how it is.”

Most people don’t have mindsets that are solely fixed or only flexible. More often than not, we have a combination of both.

One of the most essential things we must do as parents is be adaptable. Here’s where having a flexible mindset can help.

It is the opposite of a fixed mindset. Instead of being rigid and unchangeable, having a flexible, adaptable mindset allows you to shift and pivot during challenging moments.

Process Leads to Resilience

With a flexible mindset, the focus is on process rather than on outcome as we adjust to what any situation requires of us. In doing so, we inevitably learn and grow from it.

In my own work especially with kids and teens, we do a lot of different activities that have a couple of things in common:

1. We engage in process-oriented tasks that allow us to make adjustments (both small and large) as we go

2. We pause at different points along the way to reflect on what is happening.

I might ask the kids questions such as, “What is it that you like about this drawing? Is there anything you want to change?”

Whether we do this with our children or with ourselves, this type of process enables us to work on the skills of flexibility, adaptability, and reflection which lead to greater overall resilience.

Resilience Supports Parenting Challenges

For parents, these abilities are all needed to weather the storms that raising children, especially the littles, bring. Though it of course does happen, most of us don’t have the time or energy to spend time spinning in one spot, stuck and unable to navigate a tantrum or meltdown.

We need to find a way to gather ourselves so that we can supportively lead our child out of that temporary but overwhelming emotional state.

Lean on Mindset: Ask Questions to Access Resilience

If resilience and flexibility lived in a tall apartment building, they would probably be next door neighbors, borrowing cups of sugar and flour from each other frequently.

It’s much harder to develop resilience if you can’t flex with a circumstance that pushes you out of your comfort zone. And in turn, it’s harder to be flexible if you fall apart immediately in a difficult situation.

So next time you start to feel wobbly, or even overwhelmed as a parent, pause and work with your mindset. Here are some ways to do this:

It can take some practice, but by adjusting your mindset, you will be able to access your deepest strength and resilience.

You got this.

New Parents: SIMPLICITY IN PARENTHOOD

Hello parents! I’m writing about simplicity today and hope you find something useful here. Take what you need, and leave what you don’t. I’m here to help!

Simple is Not Always Easy

Keeping things simple can feel incredibly hard when you’re doing something new and find yourself struggling. Whether you’re brand-new to parenthood or have some experience with it, parenting always presents unexpected challenges. How do you flow with the changes while keeping things simple? Here are some ways:

Back Pocket Basics

Have a “basics” checklist that you can pull out any time you need to get centered. Look at these areas and ask yourself these questions:

1. Sleep – Am I getting enough? If not what, what small, doable shifts can I make to get a bit more?

2. Support – Would it help to reach out to someone right now?

3. Movement – Have I moved my body today? Movement is one of the best tools for managing stress.

4. Nutrition – What have I eaten today? If I forgot to eat, time to grab something now.

5. Self-Compassion – Have I paused to offer myself kindness and understanding? We can never offer ourselves too much of either.

I use these basics myself, and I promise they will serve you wherever you are in life, whether you’re in the thick of new parenting or beyond. If you feel a wobble or are totally overwhelmed, it’s helpful to check in on what’s going on for you within each of these areas.

For more details on each of these basics, check out my helpful guide here.

Keep What Works for You

It’s awesome to get information, advice, other perspectives and guidance through podcasts, articles, books, experts and trusted friends. It’s also so important to remember that not all of it will apply or work for you and your child. You are the expert on you and your kiddo.

You are unique with your own specific needs. If someone’s advice doesn’t work or a technique doesn’t apply, it’s okay to leave it behind. If something does work, keep it. It’s that simple.

Let Go of What You Don’t Need

Effort and ease may seem mutually exclusive during challenging moments. With intention and presence, we can flow — with grace — between these two states. But how?

Shift away from “effort” and move toward “ease” by letting go of what you don’t need. When things are feeling hard, let go of thoughts such as, “I should be doing it exactly like this” or “I’m really bad at this.”

Single thoughts can quickly turn into patterns that become entrenched. Don’t let that happen, especially if they are not true! Are preconceived notions of what the perfect parent ought to be doing helpful to you? If not, let them go.

It’s Okay to Not Know

As a parent, you won’t always know how to respond in the moment. You may not be able to immediately figure out the solution to a problem. Here’s a simple four-step process to address feelings you may have around not knowing:

1. Remind yourself : This is okay.

2. Pause and take a breath.

3. Then ask yourself the question, “Which part of myself am I responding from right now?” Is it my tired, worn out self? My frustrated self?

4. Consider what that part of yourself needs right now. Is it a moment to breathe? A kind word? Now can you offer it to yourself? Or, if that feels hard, can someone else do that for you?

After you’ve done some reflection, keep moving forward with the attitude of simplicity. Keep circling back to the basics.

Keep going like you’re doing something that matters deeply.

Because it really, really does.

Using Intentions As Guideposts

“May we live like the lotus, at home in the muddy water.” — Judith Lasater

It’s the third week of January, but a lot of you may still be thinking about resolutions. With the last several years we've collectively experienced and all that is happening in the world, who really knows what this one will bring?

I don't make resolutions. Instead, I set intentions. Here's why.

Resolutions are about one end goal. I will lose ten pounds. I will learn to play the ukelele (seriously, I will). I will be a better person.

What if, despite loads of effort you don't meet said goal? It might be easy to see it as a failure.

You might feel self-judgment, as in "Because I didn't meet my goal. I failed."

But here's the thing. If you don't meet a goal, it doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't mean you are a failure. All it means is this: You didn't meet your goal.

That's it.

Intentions on the other hand, are not about a final destination or goal that may (or may not) lead you to a sense of failure culminating in self-judgement.

Intentions are guideposts that support you in working through challenges or obstacles.

They can potentially help you make decisions based on your values and overarching desires. They can remind you of the big picture you want for your life.

Ultimately, they are a much more useful tool than making resolutions or setting goals.

So take a few moments to sit quietly. Consider the larger, deeper things you'd like to have in your life this year.

Let a word or two come to the surface, perhaps something like Love or Connection or Freedom.

Those are my actual intentions for the year.

As I move through 2022, should a challenge arise, such as a strong disagreement with a close friend (these do happen!), I plan to circle back to my intentions -- love, connection, freedom.

I might ask myself: how can I meet them with love, while still maintaining our connection?

How can I behave in a way where I am supporting us to feel free and vulnerable enough to say what we each need to say?

And, how can we work together in a way that will soften this moment while buoying our friendship for the longer term?

See what I'm getting at?

This approach is very different from thinking about how to merely resolve a conflict.

It's resolving a conflict on your terms, in a manner that is aligned with your values.

Using intentions in this way keeps you connected and grounded to who you are. Intentions are powerful reminders of who you want to be and how you want to live.

So if you're someone who doesn't make resolutions, that's okay! Be a person who sets intentions instead.

May you find greater love, connection and freedom in the year ahead. Now go and set some intentions for yourself, if you haven't already.

Peace.